drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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