so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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