the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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