WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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