at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
