i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
