bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
