I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize