Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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