I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize