she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
