Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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