Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
