you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
