You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize