Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
