I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
sarcasm needs its own font
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
