you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
