I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
