she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i drank out of a bidet.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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