I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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