My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
