When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
