lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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