i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
