i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
