Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
