his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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