There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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