His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well, you know. whores of a feather.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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