I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
