I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my shit smells like andre
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
