I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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