That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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