i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
