You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The adults are the big ones right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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