Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
NoShamevember. You game?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
