Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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