It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
