So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
