That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
