feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
