her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy