I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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