You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this will be a night to untag.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
