fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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Hippo gnu deer
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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