you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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