i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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