the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.