I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted