this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?