"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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