It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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