My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
