I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
