there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
