i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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