sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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