When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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