Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
